Category: Guest Post

The Globalization of the Shishkebab

Guest post by Sharon Gefen

If there’s one good thing I can say about globalization, its that you can be sure that wherever the hell you are – the junk food is always the same. I’m not a big fan of globalization or junk food, but the familiarity of things when you’re abroad is kind of nice sometimes. And junkfood makes for the best kind of comfort food when you’re hungry.

I’m aware and proud of the fact that in most cases, the stuff that appeals to American taste doesn’t really work for local markets. Fabulous local examples for that are the miserable failures that were Starbucks and Dunkin’ Donuts here in Israel (may they rust in peace), which just didn’t get *it* about Israeli coffee drinkers (who don’t like their coffee “to go”, and prefer it to be made of real coffee, rather than brown water).

Sure, we Israelis like our burgers grilled rather than fried. We’re not big on the whole greasy-spoon diner scene, but we love our barbecues. Plus, its healthier too. I get that. This is the kind of food tweaking that I find acceptable. On the other hand, I occasionally find these attempts to customize certain things to the local taste to be rather pathetic.

For example – those miserable attempts to import local street food (which is already pretty junky) into the menus of fast food restaurants. That’s just something I can’t accept. I simply fail to understand why the hell people buy this junk.

Kebab is one of the simplest, tastiest local street foods you can get your hands on. Its cheap, messy and wonderful. Nice, juicy kebabs made of well-seasoned ground meat, grilled just right, with some hummus and tahina, and some yummy salads all around. All of it tucked tightly into a pita, which usually explodes as you eat it, which makes eating a messy, yet fun adventure. For me, thats what Israeli food is all about (sure, its originally from Turkey, but who cares? we adopted it, changed it a bit, and we love it).

The same goes for “Arab” salad. Tiny cubes of cucumbers, tomatoes, maybe some green pepper, and some olive oil, lemon juice, salt and black pepper. Simple, minimalist and delicious. And above all – fresh.

Enter global fastfood MegaCorp, who seem to be desperate to eliminate all competition. On a planetary basis. As part of their quest towards world domination, they decide that they need some local dishes. They add tahina to their burgers in egypt, make up a cute little croquette dish in Holland, and keep “improving” local dishes in every single country they have invade. At some point, they decide there is still some resistance in the Israeli market towards their plastic burgers and salads made of dry lettuce, three croutons and four (I counted) semi-rotten cherry tomatos. Obviously, this means that the Israeli market is hungry for a clean, plastic version of the popular street foods which the local market has already proven that they like.

The other day, I found myself wandering around some mall, on the verge of death by hunger. Unaware of my actions, I ended up in line at a franchise of said global fastfood MegaCorp, waiting for service that never arrived. Bored and hungry, I started looking around, when I saw, to my horror, a couple sitting at one of the tables there.

She was opening a container of the MegaCorp version of the “fresh” chopped salad (calling it an “Arab” salad is probably not considered politically correct), which looked flat, tired and not-so fresh (although MegaCorp’s current campaign insists that your salad is hacked to bits especially for you, as you order).

His portion was even more depressing – He was zipping off the stylized, hygienic cardboard wrapping surrounding MegaCorp’s version of a kebab in a pita (altho it pretty much resembled a taco), specifically engineered so as not to ever let you enjoy the experience of eating, with or without the messiness.

I might be wrong. Perhaps MegaCorp’s versions of these dishes are delicious. I’m willing to give them that slight benefit of the doubt. I’ve never tried it, so how can I know for sure?

But still – something was definitely not right about that picture. Not when just around the corner, there’s a decent, non-expensive restaurant that serves the same stuff, only using the real ingredients, where you get to enjoy this food as it was meant to be served. Without the cardboard wrappings, plastic containers, or mass-produced sauces.

(In case you’re curious: No, I didn’t stick around till someone there acknowledged my existence and allowed me to purchase a plastic burger. Instead, I bought my junkfood elsewhere, and regretted it)

And Bless This Thy Holy Gay Parade

Guest Post by Vandersister

Traditionally, the annual Gay Pride Parade in Israel is held in Tel Aviv. Last year, the GLBT community asked to hold it in Jerusalem, claiming that they have the same right to march in the capital city as any other community or public sector. Unfortunately, and some say shamefully, the parade was reduced to a rally, as a result of enormous pressure from the police, various politicians and the threats of the Haredim (Orthodox religious sector). Long before the designated day of the parade, they were blocking the roads, starting fires, rioting, throwing stones at police officers, and at the same time – accusing the GLBT community of “disturbing the peace” and “compromising public safety”. Apparently, being homosexual in itself is more offensive and harmful than any form of actual, direct, verbal or physical violence. Why, of course it is. What were we thinking?

This year, on top of the riots, the stone-throwing, the tire-burning and the road-blocking, the Haredim have recruited a new weapon to use against the GLBT community – the ancient art of hexing (or spell-casting, if you will). Just a few days ago, the leading Rabbis of the Haredi sector placed an official curse (!!) on the organizers and participants of the Gay Pride Parade. They distributed a message in hundreds of flyers that were plastered all over Jerusalem, saying:

“To all those involved, sinners in spirit, and whoever helps and protects them, may they feel a curse on their souls, may it plague them and may evil pursue them; they will not be acquitted of their transgressions from heavenly judgment.”

Silly me, I thought this was the 21st century, not the dark ages. Uh well. But other than the obvious repulsion at this childish and medieval-style response, I felt a sense of familiarity when I read the words of the curse… Where have I heard these things before?… Oh yes! Of course! Monty Python’s film, The Holy Grail! That memorable scene where King Arthur and his knights are fighting the murderous rabbit; they stand helpless until one of them remembers that there is a sacred weapon they can use – the Holy Hand Grenade of Antioch! Here’s a
reminder:

Friar: “And Saint Attila raised the hand grenade up on high, saying, ‘O Lord, bless this Thy hand grenade that, with it, Thou mayest blow Thine enemies to tiny bits in Thy mercy.’ And the Lord did grin, and the people did feast upon the lambs and sloths and carp and anchovies and orangutans and breakfast cereals and fruit bats and large chu–”
Brother Maynard: “Skip a bit, Brother.”
Friar: “And the Lord spake, saying, ‘First shalt thou take out the Holy Pin. Then, shalt thou count to three. No more. No less. Three shalt be the number
thou shalt count, and the number of the counting shall be three. Four shalt thou not count, nor either count thou two, excepting that thou then proceed to three.
Five is right out. Once the number three, being the third number, be reached, then, lobbest thou thy Holy Hand Grenade of Antioch towards thy foe, who, being naughty in My sight, shall snuff it.’ ”

In short? Holy wars are stupid. There’s nothing holy or sacred about violence. Support the parade in Jerusalem – Israel is still and despite everything, a
democracy. And don’t forget to count to three!